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Posts Tagged ‘God’

So much has been going on it’s hard to remember and list it all.  Almost exactly a year ago I broke down and told my wife that the crossdressing desires I had felt in my past had not gone away, as I had told her they had. It was not a pretty afternoon.

Following that day, I despaired of saving my marriage, despaired of ever being able to release my feelings around my desire to wear women’s clothes, despaired of pretty much everything.

Slowly, though–oh, so slowly–she has gotten more and more accepting of this side of me.  At the same time, two things have been occurring.  Our marriage–already in jeopardy long before either of us had our crises of identity–has been getting closer to its end.  And I have begun to realize that I am not merely a crossdresser.

All you need to know about the marriage is that we are separated but living in the same house, amicably, and that eventually we will most likely divorce.  My need to express my feminine side is not the cause of the separation. Neither is her (also long buried) need to be with another woman. Yes, she has a girlfriend. I’m cool with it. 🙂

My need to express my feminine side has gotten stronger, the more I’ve been able to indulge it.  This was something I hid even from myself for 40 years.  Had I been able to think about it earlier, I’d have come to the same conclusions long ago. Now that they are finding release, I’m finding that they were stronger than I’d ever suspected.

This summer has seen my ex-wife buying dresses for me, giving me things from her drawers and closet that no longer fit her or that she no longer wants, buying boots and shoes for me, meeting my Sisters, and finally, last Saturday night, seeing me en femme for the first time ever.

I was nervous about this at first, but she assured me she was ready for it, which eased my mind.  I went to my friend’s house to change, and would meet my ex and her girlfriend at the club. When we got there, my friend bought me a shot to soothe my nerves (which I actually didn’t need), then we went into the other room.

My ex and her gf were at the corner of the bar closest the door.  Her gf gave me a big smile and a bigger hug and then my ex looked me over and said “Okay. This is okay. Not bad at all. I can deal with this.”

We talked, we laughed. She called me pretty not once but twice.  My friends talked with my ex and her gf, we laughed and talked some more, and it was a really good, really fun night.

The next day she and I talked about it some more, and she said she felt bad that I couldn’t be myself all the time, but also that I was cute (she used this word three or four times) and clearly happy and comfortable dressed as a woman (she still doesn’t fully understand that I’m more than just a crossdresser, but that’ll come in time, I think). It was the single most uplifting event around us in the past year, for me, anyway.

Also this summer, I told my mother about me, and she has been wonderfully supportive and curious about things.  One of the questions she asked was how long I’ve known. Since about 5 years old, I answered. “Oh good,” she said, “So it was nothing I did.” LOL!  That is so my mom.

Last Sunday she came down for a visit, and we talked for half an hour after everyone else had gone to bed.  She had previously told me she might have named me “Catherine” had I been born a girl. That night she said she had thought of another name she might have given me–her middle name, Elaine.  I think “Catherine Elaine” sounds wonderful, don’t you? 🙂  She does too.

Just before I went to bed, she gave me the biggest hug I’ve ever gotten from her in my life. Then she held me at arms’ length and said “To think I could have been buying girls’ clothes all that time!”. 🙂

I allowed as how she isn’t the only one regretting that.  We both believe there are shopping trips together in our future. 🙂

I wear women’s underwear almost exclusively now, and pantyhose or tights nearly every day. I have ever-so-slightly shaped my eyebrows, and plan to keep them that way.  I sleep in a half-slip and tank top.  I go out en femme almost every other weekend.  My ex shops for and with me.

I mention these things because they are things I once thought I’d *never* be able to do. I am grateful to my heavenly Parent for giving me the strength and patience that enabled me to wait for my ex to come around to acceptance, instead of pushing for things and making them fall apart. I recognize God’s working in our hearts that allows us to stay in the same house for the kids until such time as a split happens. I am truly thankful in my soul for the gifts He has seen fit to bestow on me, and I eagerly await his future grace in my life.

-Catherine Elaine (though still going by Dianna for now, so as not to throw too many people off. ) 🙂

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This morning, as on many mornings, my wife was having a little bit of a hard time.  Mornings can be tough on her…starting a new day, wondering what anxieties it will present to her.  Those of you who have never dealt with real anxiety won’t get this.  Those of you who’ve known someone dealing with anxiety will.

So my role on these mornings is to settle her head, soothe her anxieties, help her face the day.  During our talk, she said to me.

“You’re my Sharon.”

“Your what?” I ask.  Her Sharon?  I like the sound of it, of course, but I had no idea what she was talking about, same as you don’t.

“My Sharon,” she said, “You’re my Sharon. I’m your f***ed-up Ozzy, only without the pills.”

I got it, right away.  Sharon Osbourne is an amazing human being. She is Ozzy’s rock, his stability.  She’s kept him going through hard times and easy, past obstacles that might have done in a lesser love. She gets love.

After I came out to her, my wife’s anxieties–already high–went through the roof, in part because she saw me as a changed person. Change, in her life, has always equalled “bad”, so she was convinced she had lost her rock–me.  The past four months have been rocky for her (no pun intended), partly because of the perceived loss of the one person in her life who was never supposed to change, who was always supposed to be her rock.  I’ve posted on this before.

Also, since I came out, she has refused to allow any signs of femininity in me, or even merely associations with anything female.  So for her to call me her Sharon is a double compliment, and two big steps for her. She’s not only starting to see me as her rock again, despite my “changes”, but she’s also–whether she realizes it or not–beginning to acknowledge some “female” associations with me.

Yes, they are small steps, but they’re big small steps. 🙂

Thank you, my loving Parent, for continuing to soften her heart toward me. You are an amazing Parent!

-Dianna Rose

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