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Posts Tagged ‘Faith’

So much has been going on it’s hard to remember and list it all.  Almost exactly a year ago I broke down and told my wife that the crossdressing desires I had felt in my past had not gone away, as I had told her they had. It was not a pretty afternoon.

Following that day, I despaired of saving my marriage, despaired of ever being able to release my feelings around my desire to wear women’s clothes, despaired of pretty much everything.

Slowly, though–oh, so slowly–she has gotten more and more accepting of this side of me.  At the same time, two things have been occurring.  Our marriage–already in jeopardy long before either of us had our crises of identity–has been getting closer to its end.  And I have begun to realize that I am not merely a crossdresser.

All you need to know about the marriage is that we are separated but living in the same house, amicably, and that eventually we will most likely divorce.  My need to express my feminine side is not the cause of the separation. Neither is her (also long buried) need to be with another woman. Yes, she has a girlfriend. I’m cool with it. 🙂

My need to express my feminine side has gotten stronger, the more I’ve been able to indulge it.  This was something I hid even from myself for 40 years.  Had I been able to think about it earlier, I’d have come to the same conclusions long ago. Now that they are finding release, I’m finding that they were stronger than I’d ever suspected.

This summer has seen my ex-wife buying dresses for me, giving me things from her drawers and closet that no longer fit her or that she no longer wants, buying boots and shoes for me, meeting my Sisters, and finally, last Saturday night, seeing me en femme for the first time ever.

I was nervous about this at first, but she assured me she was ready for it, which eased my mind.  I went to my friend’s house to change, and would meet my ex and her girlfriend at the club. When we got there, my friend bought me a shot to soothe my nerves (which I actually didn’t need), then we went into the other room.

My ex and her gf were at the corner of the bar closest the door.  Her gf gave me a big smile and a bigger hug and then my ex looked me over and said “Okay. This is okay. Not bad at all. I can deal with this.”

We talked, we laughed. She called me pretty not once but twice.  My friends talked with my ex and her gf, we laughed and talked some more, and it was a really good, really fun night.

The next day she and I talked about it some more, and she said she felt bad that I couldn’t be myself all the time, but also that I was cute (she used this word three or four times) and clearly happy and comfortable dressed as a woman (she still doesn’t fully understand that I’m more than just a crossdresser, but that’ll come in time, I think). It was the single most uplifting event around us in the past year, for me, anyway.

Also this summer, I told my mother about me, and she has been wonderfully supportive and curious about things.  One of the questions she asked was how long I’ve known. Since about 5 years old, I answered. “Oh good,” she said, “So it was nothing I did.” LOL!  That is so my mom.

Last Sunday she came down for a visit, and we talked for half an hour after everyone else had gone to bed.  She had previously told me she might have named me “Catherine” had I been born a girl. That night she said she had thought of another name she might have given me–her middle name, Elaine.  I think “Catherine Elaine” sounds wonderful, don’t you? 🙂  She does too.

Just before I went to bed, she gave me the biggest hug I’ve ever gotten from her in my life. Then she held me at arms’ length and said “To think I could have been buying girls’ clothes all that time!”. 🙂

I allowed as how she isn’t the only one regretting that.  We both believe there are shopping trips together in our future. 🙂

I wear women’s underwear almost exclusively now, and pantyhose or tights nearly every day. I have ever-so-slightly shaped my eyebrows, and plan to keep them that way.  I sleep in a half-slip and tank top.  I go out en femme almost every other weekend.  My ex shops for and with me.

I mention these things because they are things I once thought I’d *never* be able to do. I am grateful to my heavenly Parent for giving me the strength and patience that enabled me to wait for my ex to come around to acceptance, instead of pushing for things and making them fall apart. I recognize God’s working in our hearts that allows us to stay in the same house for the kids until such time as a split happens. I am truly thankful in my soul for the gifts He has seen fit to bestow on me, and I eagerly await his future grace in my life.

-Catherine Elaine (though still going by Dianna for now, so as not to throw too many people off. ) 🙂

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A while ago, someone made the following comment on this blog.  It is not a nice comment, so be warned: It may upset you to read it.

It didn’t upset me, however, and here’s why.  I am fully cognizant of the fact that some people see what we (the transgender or crossdressers) are or do as unnatural. I expect some comments like these.  I welcomed this one, because I saw it as a chance to refute some of the commenter’s claims.  I emailed the person back, asking him (I assume it is a “he”, only because natal males seem to have more of a problem with trans folk than natal females by a large degree) to explain his several comments.

To date, he has not answered me.

I leave his comment here intact, as he wrote it–spelling errors and all–so that I can not be accused of editing it to fit my desires.  Such is propaganda, and that’s not my point here.  My point in making this available is so that *I* can address his various opinions from my own perspective.

Here is what he posted to me. Again, what he says is offensive to many, so please read no further if you are easily upset.

“Transgendered people need help. There is something wrong with them. They need to see a doctor. Gay people are sick also. They are not normal. Don’t get into the semantics of what is mormal you know what I mean. Being transgendered or gay ruins people’s lives. Even their own. So do us all a favor and get fixed!”

He put many words here, but he doesn’t actually *say* anything with them. There is “something wrong” with us…okay, what exactly do you mean by that, sir?  There IS something wrong with us. It’s called “lacking acceptance”.  It’s called “feeling forced to hide ourselves away”.  What’s wrong with us, in a nutshell, is people like you, sir. It is not a thing within us that is wrong.  “Out of place” may a better term for the thing within us. “Mis-matched” is so much more descriptive and accurate. It is a dichotomy between how we feel inside and how we appear outside.

I asked him what he thought the “something wrong” was with us.  No reply.

He says we should have a doctor fix us.  But we often do, sir!  There is a term for it: Gender Reassignment Surgery. Another term applies: Hormone Replacement. Yet another term fits: Gender Identity Therapy.  There are many more terms. In effect. they all work toward helping us become the person we are meant to be–physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. They help us bridge the gap between who we are inside and who we appear to be outside. They help us cope when people around us call us names, or say we are not welcome in their restaurants, or refuse to acknowledge our humanity.

Oh, wait, I get it…you meant that you wish a doctor would remove the thing within us which makes you uncomfortable.  Would you also change the skin color of the person with whom you are conversing? Would you shorten the hair of the gentleman playing the guitar over there? Would you remove that which allows your mother to speak her mind or enables her to move to another room besides the kitchen? In short, sir, would you make all people into those of your own choosing? My guess is that you would. How disappointed you must be with these annoying people constantly intruding on your life! Why can’t they all just disappear and leave you alone?

I feel so sorry for you. You must be in constant and neverending misery.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but we cannot be fixed that way any more than colored skin can, or the guitar player can, or any woman or man can.

“Gay people are sick also. They are not normal. Don’t get into the semantics of what is mormal you know what I mean.”  (Well, I had to take a guess at “mormal”, but I believe I was able to pull the meaning of the word out of the context of the sentence.)

Why yes, gay people *are* often sick. They catch colds and contract the flu just like you do. They suffer from illness and disease, because–and I realize this may be a shock to you and you will have a hard time understanding the words–because they are human.

It’s okay, sir…breathe.  The confusion and nausea will pass if you relax and open your mind.

Yes, Gay people are human. Lesbian women are human. Transgender people are–as bizarre as you may find this–human. Just like you.

Welllll…perhaps not *just* like you. The overwhelming majority of trans, gay, lesbian or bi people I know are more open-minded and accepting than you are. For that reason–yes, I’m saying this–they are better than you.  Healthier, anyway. Hmmm…perhaps the sick ones are not we, but you, sir?

I know! You should see a doctor! Have her fix you!

“Being transgendered or gay ruins people’s lives. Even their own.”  I specifically wanted to know what sir meant by this statement. I admit it perplexes me.  In my experience and based on the stories I’ve read and heard, it is the other way around. Family members, supposed “friends”, complete strangers…many of these cause problems for those of us who identify with one or more of the letters in “LGBT”. Many who purport to love us instead reject us…do you know the pain that can cause? Oh that’s right…you’ve never been rejected, have you? You’ve never walked down a street and been taunted or sword at–or attacked and brutally beaten or even killed–because of who you are. No, because you’re perfect, I forgot. Nobody has anything bad to say about you.

For just a moment, I want you to call to mind the person you love most in the world–besides yourself, if you can.  Picture their face, feel the warmth of their smile as they caress your cheek. Now imagine them telling you you’re worthless, that they wish they’d never met you, that they want you to have never been born. In short, picture them ripping your heart apart with their words.

You *begin* to know that through which we sometimes have to go.

We ruin people’s lives? No. More often, the ones who reject us usually go on living their lives in peace, while we are forced to pick up the shattered remains of our souls and *try* to live our own lives.

We live in pain, too often, and for too long. We shed tears over lost loved ones–who are still alive, but with whom we can never again be. *Our* lives are ruined far more often and in far more permanent ways than those with whom we interact, and it is not we who are ruining them.

If I am ruining your life just by being, sir, it speaks volumes about the fragility of your existence.

Ruining our own lives? Sir, we are trying to simply live those lives. We are trying to heal from being broken by people around us. Often we are doing this alone, because we cannot ask for your help. We help each other. We strengthen our sisters, heal our brothers, because you will not. And no matter how hard you try to keep breaking us, you never will. We are stronger than you, sir. We are healthier than you. I’ll go out on a limb and guess that even in our oft-time misery, we are nonetheless happier than you.

Your last comment is the most disturbing. You tell us to “get fixed”, and I sincerely hope you do not mean that in the veterinary sense. Because that would be indicative of a very sick mind. It borders on a threat to our lives–to my life–which is an offense to both sensibility and law. So I will assume you mean it in the medical sense…which I have addressed above.

Sir, I gave you a chance to explain your words, to make your case. I offered to post your comments and explanations here on my site, to give voice to your ideas. I invited you to do so. You ignored my invitation to dialogue. Are you so unsure of your own mind that you are afraid I might sway it with mere words?

You should know that we are strong–stronger than you realize. You should know that your words do not sting us as you wish they would. We have heard them before, we have processed them, we have found ways to draw upon them for our strength. In short, sir, your words make us stronger. We know ourselves, sir…or we are learning who we are, and it is a wonderful journey!  In discovering ourselves, we see the good in those around us, and we build and encourage and strengthen that good! We polish it, make it shine, turn it into a mirror to reflect God’s light into dark corners like yours. It burns, that Light, does it not? But it only burns because you have wrapped the cold darkness around you like a cloak.

You should know that cloak is thin and weak–its threads will fray and unravel under the onslaught of the Light. It will be easier on you if you open your mind to it, and allow it in. Oh I know, sweetie! It is so hard to do that! You are so afraid of the Light, but the Light WILL NOT HURT YOU! The pain comes from the darkness, and your vice-grip on it. Once you let go of it, the pain will disappear. How can I prove that to you?  I can’t. You must take a leap of faith before you can feel it. You must trust that it will happen.

Yes, transgender people need help. We need need it desperately and constantly and fully.  We need acceptance, we need employment, we need insurance. We need love. We need life.

But we *have* help. We help each other, we accept each other, we support each other, we love each other and we allow each other to live. Non-trans people give us those things, too, sir, believe it or not–many, many of them. And more are accepting us every day. Your corner is getting smaller, I’m afraid.

We have life, we have acceptance, we have love, we have support.  And your words, sir, can never change that.

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Things are moving along these past couple weeks.  There has been some pain, but there has been much more joy.

On Friday, March 5, 2010, I went to my first meeting of a local New England TG group, Sisters Family.  I went in drab, because that’s how I needed to go in order to establish my personal comfort level with this new situation and with these new people, a few of whom I had only hitherto met on-line.  The others I had not met at all.

Originally, I had planned this for the Friday before, but late on the preceding Thursday a massive wind storm slammed into New England, bowling over trees which snapped power lines, crushed cars, damaged houses.  Thankfully, blessedly, there were very few injuries.

One of the results of that, though, was that my wife and daughter would have been left alone in the house for several hours that night.  My wife doesn’t know how to run the generator, so she would have been lost in the event of it’s running out of gas. My daughter has occasional night fears anyway, and her daddy leaving her in the middle of what for her was already a scary situation would have fed those fears.

So I postponed my getaway for the following week.  In doing so, I missed meeting two of my good on-line friends–one of whom I would have met for the first time, and with whom I had been planning a surprise for the founder of Sisters Family.

Ah well…such is life.

Yes, I was disappointed, but it was all made up the next Friday, when I did get to the meeting.

Was I welcomed?  Instantly!

Was I made comfortable with my new friends?  In five seconds!

Will I find the acceptance I need from them?  Without any shred of doubt!

Sisters Family is a wonderful, supportive group of people, who accepted and included me despite my drab (and I really was drab…t-shirt and jeans).  Several of them even asked if I wanted to accompany them to a local restaurant for live music after the meeting, but I had promised my wife I’d be back right after, so I politely (but regretfully) declined.

The next day, my wife said I should have gone, but keeping my promise to her was important and I know she appreciated it.

There’s more news…I know this is already a long post, so if you need a break, take one.  Grab a cup of coffee or tea, but come back for the rest of this.  🙂

My next big event is going out, dressed, for the first time ever. I had planned this for Friday, March 19th, but again, God’s plans overrule mine.

That same Friday, my wife’s uncle and his family have planned a dinner at a local restaurant–one not ten minutes from where the Sisters Meeting takes place.  This is the only day they could get all the family members together for this event.  My wife knows how important it is for me to get out with the Sisters, so she said she’d go to the dinner and make my excuses to them for not being there.

I thought long and hard on this, because the 19th was to be another big night.  One of my friends was to be there for what might be the last time in a long time, due to her work schedule.  Another friend was also going to be out dressed for the first time that night–she’ a FtM crossdresser, exactly opposite what I am.

But genetic family comes first, especially my kids, to whom I didn’t relish the thought of disappointing by not being there at a big family dinner.  So I pushed my bit Outing back one week. My friend worked her schedule around to get that night off, so she’ll be there to support me in my time of nerves. 🙂

Despite her saying I could go anyway, she really appreciated that I changed my plans for her and the kids.  It went a long way toward building her trust in me back up.

My other friend is still making his big appearance on the 19th.  I’m sad and disappointed to miss it, but if my dinner breaks up in time I will show at the Sisters meeting late so I can still say Hi.  And on the 26th, he’ll be there again to escort me and my friend in.

This is a tremendous leap from where I was six months ago.  It’s taken a lot–and I mean a LOT–of patience, understanding, compassion and sheer blind faith to get here, but God kept His promise and brought me through the fire.  Will there be other fires?  Undoubtedly, but I trust Him to bring me through those, too.  Am I at the end of my journey?  Not by a long shot!  🙂

In faith,

-Dianna Rose

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Lots been going on this week–I haven’t had as much time and energy to put up a new post here for a while, so I thought I’d rectify that tonight.  No solid theme, just some thoughts.

First of all, some good news on the wife front.  Most of you know that she’s having some difficulty accepting me. Lately this is coming out in the form of a “turning off” sexually, whenever she thinks of me “that way”. That said, we have shared some intimate times, so the turn-off isn’t strong enough to prevent all closeness.

One of her worries about our relationship is that we won’t re-find out connection, and end up splitting.  This was a source of great fear for her, since she’s been mostly a stay-at-home mom for 15 years, and she doesn’t feel she can make it on her own in the event that we divorce.  Her counselor suggested she make “contingency plans” to feel in some control.

So her contingency plan for divorce is that we separate first–in the same house.  That way, she still has my support, my paycheck, my companionship while she gets on her feet. I’m still around to drive our daughter to school, pick up my son from town, etc.

Now don’t get me wrong…this is a backup plan to help her feel in control.  We are still close, we still love each other, we still are best friends.  But we’re pulling back from each other a little.  This isn’t a bad thing.  For 25 years–21 of them married–we did practically everything together. What other couple never takes time apart once in a while?

She’s exploring some friendships and some things about herself. So am I.

Which is a smooth segue into good news #2.

Next Thursday, I’m going out to lunch and shopping with a new friend. Why is this a big deal?  Because we’re going shopping at a local vintage clothing store, and we will be browsing the women’s sections.

Yes, he’s a crossdresser too. So it’s also a big deal because this is the first time I will have met and talked face-to-face with another crossdresser.

Here’s to retail therapy!

-Dianna Rose

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Last Saturday, my wife went out for the evening with her brother.  I stayed home, because my kids each a friend over and because my wife needed some time away to cut loose.  She often goes out with her brother, which I encourage because for years they were not close at all.

Now, I was a little hurt that she wanted to go out with him but I couldn’t join, partly because the night before she had been complaining about being bored, so I offered to take her out anywhere she wanted.  I even offered to take her dancing, which is something I never do.

We didn’t go out.  What she needed was to escape for a while, and that meant escape from me.  I make her uncomfortable, remember, because I like to wear women’s clothes.

So There I was on Saturday, feeling a little lonely and sorry for myself.  I figured I’d peruse the boards at crossdressers.com and see what people were talking about, and welcome any new members.  I like to welcome the newbies and try to make them feel at home, because many are new to this, and many are confused about themselves.  I try to make them comfortable when they walk in the door.  I’m not alone.  Several of the ladies (CD/TG and GG both) offer this welcome.

One of the new members that night was a GG who signed up because her husband had just come out to her, didn’t have a computer (she’s in the military and is stationed away from home for a while), and she wanted to start gathering advice for him.

She signed up to cd.com solely to support her husband’s crossdressing!  I thought that the most wonderful gesture a wife could make for her husband, and I hated both of them for it.

Yup…I was jealous.  Here was this wonderful, super-supportive wife doing research for her husband to satisfy his crossdressing, while my wife was out escaping from mine.

But, God hates this kind of jealousy, and he set a seed in my heard to supplant it.  I offered this supportive wife the hand of friendship, sending her a private message telling her how wonderful she was and how blessed her husband is to have her there for him.

Well, let me tell you, we had a wonderful post-to-post conversation that night.  Before I knew it, my wife was walking in the door.  Time had flown, and my loneliness and hurt had utterly disappeared.

Gift #1.

By the way, this GG has made friends all across the boards at CD.com.  She’s so open and pleasant and nice that it’s impossible not to be friends with her.

Fast-forward to yesterday, Wednesday.  My wife has her appointment with her therapist (for her anxiety issues and self-realizations) later that morning.  Now, on these days she wakes up nervous and anxious, because therapy stirs the pot.  We talk, and she tells me that on Saturday she had told her brother everything about us—everything, she stresses.

Yes, she told him about me.  No, I had no clue, because when we were over at his house for football Sunday (the day after she told him), he didn’t act any differently toward me than he always does.  She told him I like to wear women’s clothes, and his response was, essentially, “So?”

I think it threw my wife a little, because he was the first person she told about me (she’s told two others) who didn’t think it was bizarre.  His open-minded nature soothed some of her anxieties about me.  Not all of them, and there’s certainly a long way to go yet, but she now sees me as just a little bit less of a monster than she did before.

Gift #2.

I had told my wife some time ago that if she decided she wanted to tell people about me, I was cool with that, so I wasn’t upset at all that she told her brother.  I told her I’m not the one ashamed of what I do or who I am, she is, so if it helps her to talk about it with people, she should.

I’m now “out” to five people (not including my wife, or any of my on-line sisters and brothers), two of which are counselors, one of whom has been working with the LGBT community for two decades.  The others, my wife told.

But I’m okay with that.

Thank you, God, for your gifts of an open-minded brother-in-law, and a GG who not only supports her husband, but has support enough to spare for the rest of us.  You are an amazing Parent!

-Dianna Rose

PS – here’s how supportive this GG is.  Part of our conversation was about nylons, and how she hates them, like most GGs apparently do. I told her I loved them and would wear them 24/7 if I could.  We joked about it, and she said that after she gets out of the military she’ll send me all of her nylons that don’t have holes in them.

Sure she’s joking, but just hearing those words made my night.  🙂

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I have four Bible verses today.  The relationship is pretty apparent:

Luke 2:10-11:  But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ[a] the Lord.”

JESUS in Luke 9:48: “Whosoever shall receive this child in my name receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me receiveth him that sent me: for he that is least among you all, the same shall be great.” .

Gal. 4:4-7: But when the fullness of time had come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to ransom those under the law, so that we might receive adoption. As proof that you are children, God sent the spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying out, “Abba, Father!” So you are no longer a slave but a child, and if a child then also an heir, through God.

2 Corinthians 5:17: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!


The Christmas season always gets me thinking about children, because of the special child whose birth we celebrate.  Yes, I know the holiday was a few weeks ago.  Does that mean we must stop celebrating the greatest gift ever given?  I, for one, celebrate Christmas all year long, by constantly remembering what it was that our Parent did for us in sending His son to pay for our sins.  We can mark that invoice “Paid in full”, and all we have to do is believe in Him, and love Him.  He already love us–you can bank on that.

As parents, we love our children – unconditionally and without price or payment. (Okay, for the sake or realism I will state that this is not always the case, but it should be). We never stop loving them, no matter the mistakes they make, no matter their failings or successes. A good parent loves her or his child. Period.

How can we ever think our Parent doesn’t love us?  Yet people do, all the time:

“I’ve done bad things.  God can’t possibly love me.  I don’t deserve love.”

“There are people who are so much more needy than I.  God doesn’t have time to love me.”

“I never see any proof that God loves me, so He must hate me.”

…and so on.

God became flesh so that He could suffer for us!  God sent His only child to die for us! Think of it…that tiny baby, lying on a bed of straw, would grow up solely so that God could prove His love for us. What child deserves that fate?  None.  But God gave us that gift anyway. Yes, gift. He did it to show us He loves us, by becoming one of us, but not so He could feel our pain.  He feels that every moment of every day of our lives–He knows us better than we know ourselves, how can He not already know pain?  No, He did it so that we could see that He feels our pain.  So that we could know the depth of His love for us.

And if our Parent loves us, how can we think He doesn’t want what’s best for us?  How can we imagine He won’t take care of us, if we ask Him to?

When our children are too young to fend for themselves we fend for them. When they are frightened we soothe them. When hungry we feed them. When cold we warm, when lost we search until we find. WE–the parents–do these things, and our children trust us implicitly. They don’t worry about where the food is coming from or how we obtain it. They don’t think about the cost of heating or the roof over their head. They know we’ll always give them a hug after a bad dream, hold them until the fear subsides. They know we would search the planet over to find them.

We ALL were young once. Not one of us was born old (even if some days we might feel like it) 🙂

So when did we stop trusting our Parent to care for us?

We grew up, started fending for ourselves with regard to our worldly needs.  We soothe ourselves when we’re stressed, we calm ourselves after nightmares.  Over time, we get used to doing things for ourselves…to the point that we forget we have a Parent to whom we can always turn.

We let our children grow up.  We let them make mistakes so they will learn.  We allow them to make their own choices and follow their own paths, but we don’t turn them down when they ask for our help, or our comfort, or our advice.  We give as freely all their adult lives as we did their youth, with one difference: we wait for them to ask.

That’s not saying we don’t offer advice or ideas or suggestions, or tell them first that we love them, but we wait for them top decide to come to us for most things.

God still loves us.  He still speaks to us, even if we are too busy or stressed or lost to hear.  But He waits for us to ask Him for help.  We must be as children again, and trust our Parent to give us what we need, to hold us when we’re scared, to feed us when we’re hungry.

So the next time you’re feeling down, or overburdened, or lost or scared, ask your Parent for help, or guidance, or advice, or love.  He gives it freely and without price, because the price was already paid.

Go ahead.  Ask.  And then Trust Him to deliver.  It may not be the package for which you were hoping, but it’ll always be the one you need. Our Parent loves us more than we can comprehend.

Peace,

-Dianna

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My wife is confused about why I wear women’s clothes. She doesn’t get the reasons I do it.  And if she is confused by it, there are probably a whole bunch of non-crossdressers out there who don’t get it either.

There are many, many aspects to crossdressing. For me, these boil down (essentially, anyway) to two major factors: feel, and feeling.

What’s the difference? (I hear some of you asking.) It’s this:  For certain items of clothing, I like the way they feel. Smooth nylon panties feel great next to my skin, and I like the way they feel under my fingers. Pantyhose and tights hug the legs…who doesn’t like to be hugged all day? 🙂  Satin anything feels great next to the skin.  Even the feel of a bra around my chest and back is comfortable to me. The swish of a skirt around my legs is heaven!

Sometimes, it’s just a matter of a feel that isn’t usually there otherwise…a different feel than I’m used to, in other words. The feel of lipstick on my lips (well, where else, Dianna? Duh!) is such a sensation—it isn’t necessarily exciting on its own, but because it reminds me that I’m wearing lipstick, it feels good.  The push and pull of my leg muscles in a pair of heels is also a sensation—particularly my 4-inch heels that I’m still getting used to! 🙂

But in addition to the way some clothes feel, there is the feeling I get while wearing them. Wearing a dress not only feels good to me, but also makes me relaxed, comfortable in my skin and my head, and confident. The feeling of being feminine does this to me. Knowing I’m wearing lipstick, even if I couldn’t feel it, gives me a good feeling.

The feel of certain clothes is definitely arousing—it’s a crude point, but one that must be mentioned, if we are to help non-crossdressers to understand why we dress. Satins and silks just turn me on sometimes…tell me they don’t turn you on as well.  Liar. 🙂  But this is really only a small, small part of why I do this.  I enjoy feeling feminine, plain and simple.  The feel is a bonus…the feeling is all.

My wife gets the whole “sensations” thing.  She can wrap her head around the physical aspect of what I do.  She gets that some things just feel good.  She doesn’t like it very much—not that she says outright, but her actions and words speak volumes nonetheless—but at least she “gets” that.

She does not get the feelings I have. Not that I’ve talked to her about them, because she’s still not anywhere near where she needs to be in her head to bring the topic up (and I’ve said I never will).  But I know her–21 years married and I had better!—and I know she just can’t accept or understand that sometimes (okay, usually!) I just like to feel feminine. I like to talk clothes, to call someone “sweetie” or “dear”, to voice my appreciation of someone else’s looks or words without them thinking I have an ulterior motive. And I love shopping for clothes.  In short, I just like feeling “girly” sometimes.

I scared her the other day–actually, the word she used was “frightened”.  She made one of her few and tiny forays into actually attempting to understand me—though “understanding” is not really what she’s after during these forays…she wants reassuring instead.  That’s another whole post. 🙂

She asked me, if we lived a couple hundred years ago, when men wore satin shirts and tights, would that have been enough for me?  Or, would I still have needed to wear a gown sometimes?  I asked her if she was really sure she wanted to know the answer, and she immediately backed off.  “Okay, now you’re frightening me,” she said.  So she gets “feel”, but “feeling” apparently frightens her.  For those of you who haven’t guessed, yes, I would have wanted to wear a gown.  Heck, I want to wear one now!) 🙂

Don’t get me wrong…I’m one of the loudest male shouters at our weekly football get-togethers. (Well, when the Patriots are playing, anyway.) I also enjoy solving the problems of home improvement (sometimes even successfully!), and love using my power tools.  But sometimes I just want to curl up on the couch with my legs under me and a cup of herb tea in my hand, reading a good book. My ideal date would be to go shopping with my wife…not just for her. What a great feeling that would be!

But I also love the feel of my new frilly red panties. 🙂

-Dianna Rose

p.s. – I just got around to adding a blogroll, over there on the right near the top of this page, with some links. I encourage you check them out and read what other girls/tgirls/gurls/crossdressers/etc. are saying! 🙂

-Annie

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