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Archive for September, 2010

So much has been going on it’s hard to remember and list it all.  Almost exactly a year ago I broke down and told my wife that the crossdressing desires I had felt in my past had not gone away, as I had told her they had. It was not a pretty afternoon.

Following that day, I despaired of saving my marriage, despaired of ever being able to release my feelings around my desire to wear women’s clothes, despaired of pretty much everything.

Slowly, though–oh, so slowly–she has gotten more and more accepting of this side of me.  At the same time, two things have been occurring.  Our marriage–already in jeopardy long before either of us had our crises of identity–has been getting closer to its end.  And I have begun to realize that I am not merely a crossdresser.

All you need to know about the marriage is that we are separated but living in the same house, amicably, and that eventually we will most likely divorce.  My need to express my feminine side is not the cause of the separation. Neither is her (also long buried) need to be with another woman. Yes, she has a girlfriend. I’m cool with it. 🙂

My need to express my feminine side has gotten stronger, the more I’ve been able to indulge it.  This was something I hid even from myself for 40 years.  Had I been able to think about it earlier, I’d have come to the same conclusions long ago. Now that they are finding release, I’m finding that they were stronger than I’d ever suspected.

This summer has seen my ex-wife buying dresses for me, giving me things from her drawers and closet that no longer fit her or that she no longer wants, buying boots and shoes for me, meeting my Sisters, and finally, last Saturday night, seeing me en femme for the first time ever.

I was nervous about this at first, but she assured me she was ready for it, which eased my mind.  I went to my friend’s house to change, and would meet my ex and her girlfriend at the club. When we got there, my friend bought me a shot to soothe my nerves (which I actually didn’t need), then we went into the other room.

My ex and her gf were at the corner of the bar closest the door.  Her gf gave me a big smile and a bigger hug and then my ex looked me over and said “Okay. This is okay. Not bad at all. I can deal with this.”

We talked, we laughed. She called me pretty not once but twice.  My friends talked with my ex and her gf, we laughed and talked some more, and it was a really good, really fun night.

The next day she and I talked about it some more, and she said she felt bad that I couldn’t be myself all the time, but also that I was cute (she used this word three or four times) and clearly happy and comfortable dressed as a woman (she still doesn’t fully understand that I’m more than just a crossdresser, but that’ll come in time, I think). It was the single most uplifting event around us in the past year, for me, anyway.

Also this summer, I told my mother about me, and she has been wonderfully supportive and curious about things.  One of the questions she asked was how long I’ve known. Since about 5 years old, I answered. “Oh good,” she said, “So it was nothing I did.” LOL!  That is so my mom.

Last Sunday she came down for a visit, and we talked for half an hour after everyone else had gone to bed.  She had previously told me she might have named me “Catherine” had I been born a girl. That night she said she had thought of another name she might have given me–her middle name, Elaine.  I think “Catherine Elaine” sounds wonderful, don’t you? 🙂  She does too.

Just before I went to bed, she gave me the biggest hug I’ve ever gotten from her in my life. Then she held me at arms’ length and said “To think I could have been buying girls’ clothes all that time!”. 🙂

I allowed as how she isn’t the only one regretting that.  We both believe there are shopping trips together in our future. 🙂

I wear women’s underwear almost exclusively now, and pantyhose or tights nearly every day. I have ever-so-slightly shaped my eyebrows, and plan to keep them that way.  I sleep in a half-slip and tank top.  I go out en femme almost every other weekend.  My ex shops for and with me.

I mention these things because they are things I once thought I’d *never* be able to do. I am grateful to my heavenly Parent for giving me the strength and patience that enabled me to wait for my ex to come around to acceptance, instead of pushing for things and making them fall apart. I recognize God’s working in our hearts that allows us to stay in the same house for the kids until such time as a split happens. I am truly thankful in my soul for the gifts He has seen fit to bestow on me, and I eagerly await his future grace in my life.

-Catherine Elaine (though still going by Dianna for now, so as not to throw too many people off. ) 🙂

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Wow, has it really been since July that I’ve posted here? Time flies.

So much has been going on this summer, including my ex-wife taking me shopping for dresses and shoes (for me!) and talking and joking with me about my crossdressing, me meeting so many wonderful new friends–both on-line and in person, and my ex and her girlfriend meeting my Sisters Family.

Yes, my marriage is ending, but we both agree this is for the best and we are both more than okay with it. We both need to explore ourselves and find out who we are as individuals–something we never were able to do when we were young.

In less than a week–if all goes as planned–she will be seeing me en femme for the first time ever. This will be both an ending to our marriage and a beginning of our lives, we hope. I WILL be posting here about that experience, as well as (if anyone asks for them) details about some of what’s been going on with me this summer.

One final note today: I have changed my middle name to “Catherine”. This is a name my mother thinks she might have chosen for me, had I been born a girl.

Yes, I told my mother about me, and she has been wonderful. 🙂

In His Light,

-Dianna Catherine Rose

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