Archive for March, 2010

I Went Out!!

I finally did it! I finally went out en femme for the first time ever! Six months almost exactly from the day since I came out to my wife, and last night I was in a skirt, hanging out with a group called “Sisters Family”, at a public place that was literally packed wall-to-wall with people! Amazing!

Several of you have asked for details, so I’ll post the story here. Feel free to skip around to the parts that interest you. As a summary, though, let me just say it was absolutely incredible!
Okay, so I rented a motel room up the road from where SISTERS of Boston meets. I was originally going to change in my car, but I really wasn’t relishing the idea. I’m glad my wife agreed to the motel room…I really needed the time and space.

My friend Kimi asked if she could change in the room too, so her kids wouldn’t see the full change in their dad, and of course I agreed. I mean, I had the room and it was only going to be used for a total of maybe two hours the whole night, so she might as well get some use from it too.

Took me an hour and fifteen minutes to get dressed (I really need to bring that time down) and get the makeup on and all. Some readers wanted to know what I was wearing…black cotton three-tiered skirt, above the knee, flower-patterned fishnets (yes, these were perfectly appropriate for SISTERS ), red satin blouse. I managed to get the wig mostly figured out on my own (I think it could have been brushed neater, but I think it was good enough) and pinned in place. I was pretty pleased with the overall package. Oh, and red hoop earrings. There are photos of me, but none on my camera. Some of my Facebook friends may get to see them.  If I get permission, I’ll re-post them on crossdressers.com as well.

Kimi showed up (she’s the first person ever to see Dianna live) and got herself ready, then we walked out of the room to my car–my first time outside, in the world, presenting as a woman. That moment will always live in my memory as one of the big events in my life, even though it was literally five feet to my car.

Quick five minute drive to the hotel where SISTERS meets–which was packed. I had to park in the back and walk around to the front…in heels and a skirt! Fortunately there was nobody around, though I was pretty calm about it anyway, which surprised me–and several others as well. I got comments from several SISTERS on my distinct lack of nerves last night.

Outside the hotel, as we had planned, our friend Sara (a GG and occasional FtM CDer) met us at the door. She was wearing a very pretty dress and looked fabulous…in her words, this was to be “a girls night”. Arm in arm in arm, she walked us in to the bar.

We were wonderfully welcomed, I got several compliments on my outfit, my hair, my overall look and my finally making the big step after two drab-mode outings and a month of planning…and six months of posting on the CD.com, Facebook, and the SISTERS boards.

I partook in a lot of talk, was introduced to a couple of girls I hadn’t met before (and one guy), sat through the meeting (where Sara and I and a couple of the SISTERS group moderators surprised Ashley–the head of the Family–with a donation we had collected for SISTERS Family charities and other needs), then it was time for the weekly group photo.

Now, because the bar was full–even the others said they’d never seen it so busy there–we had to go into the lobby to take the picture. Did I mention that the hotel was packed? There were people back-and-forthing through the lobby the entire time we were there. Several of these people joined in the group photo. Several more complimented us on our clothes and our just-plain-being-ourselves-ness.

After that we had to decide where to go out afterward–I was not going to just stop at two and a half hours in a skirt for the next month–and seven of us decided to go to a local club. Three cars and five minutes later, we stood in the foyer of a not-very-happening place. So, while the staff were very welcoming (and the laughs of a drunk patron or two less so but not a deterrent), we decided to go to another place up the road–which was as far from dead as you can possibly be.

The place was jammed with people! It took half an hour before a couple spots at the bar opened up and we were able to move out of everyone’s way. And let me tell you, I’ve never seen a more accepting bunch of customers anywhere, in any venue! The staff at this place already love us (the manager came out and personally welcomed each of us individually and as a group), but it was so great to see so many of the patrons accepting and welcoming us. That made a real impression on me for my first time out. It was a shot in the arm I hadn’t expected but really welcomed.

The band played a lot of disco and funk and dance stuff, so while I don’t dance, I really enjoyed the music and watching those of us who do dance strutting their stuff–with several of the other patrons, more often than not. I enjoyed sitting and talking with the other non-dancers–when we could hear ourselves talk, anyway.

We closed the place. Literally the last customers out the door. Back to the room to remove the trappings of Dianna, pack them away, and drive home. Pulled in the driveway at 3:15am.

What a great night, adding several more firsts to the list: First time outdoors en femme. First time driving in heels. Longest distance walked at one stretch in heels or en femme…probably about 200 feet. Not a lot, but when you consider this was through a parking lot and around a big hotel during my first time out, it is a lot.

This was a bizarre one for me: First time being asked to join someone on the dance floor (I refused, of course, but it’s still a first). It was a guy (quite in the bag already), but in all fairness, he was dancing with everyone up there…though he did seem to focus more on the SISTERS than anyone else–one or two in particular. And later one of our new GG fans also told me to go up and dance with them. (I don’t dance…I may have six feet of height, but those are all left feet. LOL)

My semi-ex was still awake when I got home. Didn’t like seeing my flattened hair (from my wig), but didn’t make a big deal of it. Asked to make sure I had removed all traces of makeup etc. so the kids wouldn’t see it in the morning, said she was glad I had a good time, and I went to bed. This morning she double-checked my eyes, had me go wash the last traces of eyeliner off, and again said she was glad I had a good time. The eyeliner thing is a big step for her, because she was calm about it this time. Treated it more as a fact than a problem. That’s a big step forward for her.

So it was a very positive and uplifting experience, and I have several of my readers here in part to thank for it. The advice, support and encouragement you gave me in comments helped bring me to a point where I was able to make this big step. Without you, I’d probably still be hiding myself away instead of sharing myself (at least briefly and in small doses) with the world. Thank you all!!

But none of this would ever have happened if not for the answered prayers from my Parent in Heaven. He has given me a tiny helping of His grace, and that tiny portion is infinitely more than I deserve. I know that, I recognize the fact fully and deeply in my heart, and I thank Him for it.
Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. James 1:17
Dianna Faith Rose

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My wife has always been unpredictable. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, mind you.

The other day, for instance, she blew me out of the water with a few words.

She has finally started coming around to accepting that I am a crossdresser, and that I need to express this. She gets that I need the acceptance of my peers—which in my case means getting out to Sisters Family meetings.

She has agreed to me going to meetings once a month. For now, I’ll take it. It’s once a month more than I ever thought she’d accept.

She gets how important it is for me to go out on March 26th, dressed for the first time out ever. The other day she asked if I had something to wear that night. I assured her I had. She didn’t want to know the details, but wanted to make sure A) I hadn’t spent too much (no, I hadn’t) and B) that it was at least a neat, attractive outfit. “You want to make us proud,” she said. “You don’t want to look trashy or anything.”

Us, she said.

I told her I thought it would be fine. She allowed that I “do know how to put together an outfit”—payoff for all the times I went shopping with her, for her.

Later on, she said that maybe I could have some of the things in her closet that she no longer wears. I was stunned, because I had been hoping for something like this for a long, long time. She does have several items that she no longer wears, some of which I can adapt for me (I can find my way around a sewing machine, yes)—one of which I’ve really wanted for some time.

I told her I don’t know what I’m allowed to take, she said she wasn’t sure she’s quite ready for this yet anyway, so I said I’d leave the timing up to her. When and if she’s ready to hand over the clothes to me, I’ll accept them.

And there’s a third acceptance. She also said the other day that maybe someday she’d be willing to go with me to a Sisters meeting and meet my “girlfriends”. Yes, she used that word, jokingly, but she said it nonetheless. I told her I wasn’t ready for that yet—I haven’t even been out dressed yet–but that when and if we were both ready, the Sisters would make her instantly welcome.

Big, BIG steps from where we were six months ago.

But this acceptance comes at a price, and it’s a potentially high one.

She has said all along that the only way she could accept my crossdressing was if she were merely my best friend, not my wife. I’ve mentioned here before that she’s on her own life-exploration, and at the moment that journey is taking her away from me and potentially toward someone else.

It hurts, but not as much as it could. We’d been drifting apart some for a few years now, and at the moment we both have things we’re discovering and want to explore about ourselves. I have already accepted her need. She’s slowly accepting mine.

We are separated, but still living in the same house for the sake of the kids and the family unit. We still love each other very much. She is still the best friend I have ever had and will ever have, and vice-versa. We still want to be in each other’s life. So we’re separated, but in some ways we’re closer now than we’ve ever been. With some of the pressure of being husband-0and-wife off, we’re able to be more open and talk about things more. Yes, that’s how it should have been all along, but circumstances in each of our lives—and our life together—made it difficult to communicate properly.

So closer and farther apart at the same time. Do I miss the intimacy? Some, but I was never a strong lover anyway…my libido is usually miles below hers—or below “normal”, for that matter. And really, that’s the only thing missing from our relationship.

In the meantime, I’m enjoying the woman I’m finding inside me. She’s still balanced against the man I am, even if that balance does often lean more toward female. My wife is enjoying some new friendships, and I haven’t seen her happy like this for a long time. I still have to hide more than she does (lesbianism is still far more socially accepted than transgenderism), but with the support of my new friends and family, and the love of my God, I make it through every day.

It’s been a long and painful journey, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.


-Dianna Rose

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Things are moving along these past couple weeks.  There has been some pain, but there has been much more joy.

On Friday, March 5, 2010, I went to my first meeting of a local New England TG group, Sisters Family.  I went in drab, because that’s how I needed to go in order to establish my personal comfort level with this new situation and with these new people, a few of whom I had only hitherto met on-line.  The others I had not met at all.

Originally, I had planned this for the Friday before, but late on the preceding Thursday a massive wind storm slammed into New England, bowling over trees which snapped power lines, crushed cars, damaged houses.  Thankfully, blessedly, there were very few injuries.

One of the results of that, though, was that my wife and daughter would have been left alone in the house for several hours that night.  My wife doesn’t know how to run the generator, so she would have been lost in the event of it’s running out of gas. My daughter has occasional night fears anyway, and her daddy leaving her in the middle of what for her was already a scary situation would have fed those fears.

So I postponed my getaway for the following week.  In doing so, I missed meeting two of my good on-line friends–one of whom I would have met for the first time, and with whom I had been planning a surprise for the founder of Sisters Family.

Ah well…such is life.

Yes, I was disappointed, but it was all made up the next Friday, when I did get to the meeting.

Was I welcomed?  Instantly!

Was I made comfortable with my new friends?  In five seconds!

Will I find the acceptance I need from them?  Without any shred of doubt!

Sisters Family is a wonderful, supportive group of people, who accepted and included me despite my drab (and I really was drab…t-shirt and jeans).  Several of them even asked if I wanted to accompany them to a local restaurant for live music after the meeting, but I had promised my wife I’d be back right after, so I politely (but regretfully) declined.

The next day, my wife said I should have gone, but keeping my promise to her was important and I know she appreciated it.

There’s more news…I know this is already a long post, so if you need a break, take one.  Grab a cup of coffee or tea, but come back for the rest of this.  🙂

My next big event is going out, dressed, for the first time ever. I had planned this for Friday, March 19th, but again, God’s plans overrule mine.

That same Friday, my wife’s uncle and his family have planned a dinner at a local restaurant–one not ten minutes from where the Sisters Meeting takes place.  This is the only day they could get all the family members together for this event.  My wife knows how important it is for me to get out with the Sisters, so she said she’d go to the dinner and make my excuses to them for not being there.

I thought long and hard on this, because the 19th was to be another big night.  One of my friends was to be there for what might be the last time in a long time, due to her work schedule.  Another friend was also going to be out dressed for the first time that night–she’ a FtM crossdresser, exactly opposite what I am.

But genetic family comes first, especially my kids, to whom I didn’t relish the thought of disappointing by not being there at a big family dinner.  So I pushed my bit Outing back one week. My friend worked her schedule around to get that night off, so she’ll be there to support me in my time of nerves. 🙂

Despite her saying I could go anyway, she really appreciated that I changed my plans for her and the kids.  It went a long way toward building her trust in me back up.

My other friend is still making his big appearance on the 19th.  I’m sad and disappointed to miss it, but if my dinner breaks up in time I will show at the Sisters meeting late so I can still say Hi.  And on the 26th, he’ll be there again to escort me and my friend in.

This is a tremendous leap from where I was six months ago.  It’s taken a lot–and I mean a LOT–of patience, understanding, compassion and sheer blind faith to get here, but God kept His promise and brought me through the fire.  Will there be other fires?  Undoubtedly, but I trust Him to bring me through those, too.  Am I at the end of my journey?  Not by a long shot!  🙂

In faith,

-Dianna Rose

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Wow!  The past seven days have been full of amazing things.  Several “firsts” for me, including meeting my first crossdresser in person, my first shopping experience with another human being, and my first makeup consultation.

Last Thursday a friend and I planned on getting together during my lunch break to do a little shopping. Previously we had only talked via the internet, on crossdressers.com and FaceBook. This event was re-scheduled from earlier in the week, because I couldn’t make it.  Thursday, though went off without a hitch.

We were both in drab.  He had brought his family down to Boston to spend some time at the Museum of Science, while he and I went to a vintage clothing store two minutes’ walk from my work.  His wife is very accepting, and had no problem with this venture.

First #1: meeting another crossdresser face-to-face.

We got to The Garment District (on Broadway in Cambridge, MA) just as they were opening.  Had fun browsing the racks and talking about clothes and crossdressing. We both ended up picking out a skirt each–I tried on a couple, he chose to forgo that.  Mine is a gray, short (above the knee, like I like ’em) number, his was longer and green.

First #2 and #3: Shopping for femme clothes with another human being, and talking about crossdressing in person with another human being (aside from my therapist) :).

We ended up spending far more time shopping than we should have, and didn’t have enough time for lunch with his wife and kids, though I did get to meet her and thank her for being such a wonderful and accepting person.

First #3: meeting the accepting spouse of a crossdresser, and thanking her for being accepting.

Okay, so I’m going out in two and a half weeks…meaning “out” out. Dressed, in public, for the first time in my life. (I’m not counting this as a “first” yet, though, because I haven’t done it.)

Before this happens, I still need to put a few pieces of the puzzle in place. One of these is getting my makeup right. I’ve been buying willy-nilly, trying things I think might work, but really haven’t got it down yet…particularly foundation, and specifically shade.

So I decided I needed professional help. (Well, don’t we all!) Since I don’t have any friends nearby who could help me, I figured the only way I’m going to get that help is to brave it up and go to a makeup counter. So I did.

Nerves a-flarin’, I walked into the Ulta Beauty store in Everett, Massachusetts. In total drab, of course, since I was on my lunch break. An SA greeted me and asked if she could help. Young thing. I asked if she’d be comfortable talking with me about makeup. She got just a little fidgety (in a slightly nervous but not necessarily put off way) and referred me to another SA who knew more about makeup. (I gather the first girl was new there…a couple of times she came over asking where such-and-such was, etc.).

I asked the makeup expert, Renee, if she’d be comfortable talking with me. She assured me, with no fidgeting or even a blink of an eye, that she would. So off we went.

I asked her about foundation to cover my annoyingly dark beard shadow. She recommended Dermablend, which is the same that someone else had previously recommended to me, and proceeded to match my skin tone. Five tests on my cheek later she found one we both thought was a good match. (Actually, it was only four tests later, but she wanted to try one more to be safe.)

To make sure, she covered my other cheek to make sure it would blend properly. Voila! I now know what to use under my mineral powder!

Next I asked her recommendation for eyeshadow colors. We bounced some ideas, I told her what I’d be wearing, and we settled on a three-pack of browns (actually, one is coppery, which I think will look really nice). Finally, I asked her recommendation for lip color. Since I’m putting more effort into my eyes, she thought a more neutral lip color would work and found a good color.

I may not have a chance to try it all out until less than a week before I go out. I already had mineral powder, eyeliner and blush, so hopefully it’ll all fall into place. It kind of has to, because on The Big Night I’ll be putting it on in my car. 🙂

Renee was VERY helpful and professional, and my nerves just died away after a few moments with her. I can definitely recommend the Ulta Beauty supply store at the Gateway Center plaza on Mystic View Road in Everett, MA as a friendly place. Ask for Renee.

Anyone who’s trying to work up the courage to do something like this, you need to just make a decision to do it, and stick with it. It really is all about attitude. Before going in I just said “I’m going to do this, I’m going to ignore any other customers in the store, and I’m going to get my questions answered come hell or high water!”

And I did.


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