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Archive for February, 2010

My last post talked about a semi-separation between myself and my wife. We’re taking those steps now. The idea here is that we’ll be able to have a little freedom (each), but still be “together”, in the same house, for the kids and for mutual support.  My wife and I are still best friends, even if we are finding a need to explore some things about ourselves alone.

On the way to therapy this morning, we talked about me going out, and my wife’s fears behind allowing it.  It’s very important for me, and she pretty much gets why now.  It’s about acceptance and expression, not about attention or “hooking up”.

She was also concerned because one of the venues to which I want to go takes place at a gay bar. This strengthens the “hooking up” possibility in her mind (it’s not a factor for me) and makes her anxious.  The other venue–the one I want to go to more than the first–is at aCD/TG-friendly hotel bar (friendly, but not “catering to” per se, if you see the difference).  Suddenly  one of her fears is diminished and she thinks she’ll be okay with me going there.

She still has trust issues, but I hope that she will quickly see that she can still trust me even if I go out.  I put our marriage and our kids especially first. She knows this intellectually, she just needs to feel it emotionally.

I don’t know when my first night out will be, but hopefully in the next few weeks.  There is much going on in the local TG community right now of which I want to be a part.

I thank all of you for your prayers, your support, your words of encouragement.  You and others have made it possible for me to arrive at this point.  The journey’s not over–not by a long shot–but this is a huge step along the way, and one which I despaired of ever getting to. Thank you all for helping me get here.

Lord, it is because of the strength, courage and patience you’ve instilled in me–and that you renew every day–and the support of the friends whose paths you see fit to join with mine, that I celebrate this milestone in my life.  I thank you from the bottom of my soul, and place myself as always at your service. Let me use my gifts to be a brighter mirror to reflect more of your light into the world. In Jesus’ name, I thank you.

-Dianna Rose

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Lots been going on this week–I haven’t had as much time and energy to put up a new post here for a while, so I thought I’d rectify that tonight.  No solid theme, just some thoughts.

First of all, some good news on the wife front.  Most of you know that she’s having some difficulty accepting me. Lately this is coming out in the form of a “turning off” sexually, whenever she thinks of me “that way”. That said, we have shared some intimate times, so the turn-off isn’t strong enough to prevent all closeness.

One of her worries about our relationship is that we won’t re-find out connection, and end up splitting.  This was a source of great fear for her, since she’s been mostly a stay-at-home mom for 15 years, and she doesn’t feel she can make it on her own in the event that we divorce.  Her counselor suggested she make “contingency plans” to feel in some control.

So her contingency plan for divorce is that we separate first–in the same house.  That way, she still has my support, my paycheck, my companionship while she gets on her feet. I’m still around to drive our daughter to school, pick up my son from town, etc.

Now don’t get me wrong…this is a backup plan to help her feel in control.  We are still close, we still love each other, we still are best friends.  But we’re pulling back from each other a little.  This isn’t a bad thing.  For 25 years–21 of them married–we did practically everything together. What other couple never takes time apart once in a while?

She’s exploring some friendships and some things about herself. So am I.

Which is a smooth segue into good news #2.

Next Thursday, I’m going out to lunch and shopping with a new friend. Why is this a big deal?  Because we’re going shopping at a local vintage clothing store, and we will be browsing the women’s sections.

Yes, he’s a crossdresser too. So it’s also a big deal because this is the first time I will have met and talked face-to-face with another crossdresser.

Here’s to retail therapy!

-Dianna Rose

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This morning, as on many mornings, my wife was having a little bit of a hard time.  Mornings can be tough on her…starting a new day, wondering what anxieties it will present to her.  Those of you who have never dealt with real anxiety won’t get this.  Those of you who’ve known someone dealing with anxiety will.

So my role on these mornings is to settle her head, soothe her anxieties, help her face the day.  During our talk, she said to me.

“You’re my Sharon.”

“Your what?” I ask.  Her Sharon?  I like the sound of it, of course, but I had no idea what she was talking about, same as you don’t.

“My Sharon,” she said, “You’re my Sharon. I’m your f***ed-up Ozzy, only without the pills.”

I got it, right away.  Sharon Osbourne is an amazing human being. She is Ozzy’s rock, his stability.  She’s kept him going through hard times and easy, past obstacles that might have done in a lesser love. She gets love.

After I came out to her, my wife’s anxieties–already high–went through the roof, in part because she saw me as a changed person. Change, in her life, has always equalled “bad”, so she was convinced she had lost her rock–me.  The past four months have been rocky for her (no pun intended), partly because of the perceived loss of the one person in her life who was never supposed to change, who was always supposed to be her rock.  I’ve posted on this before.

Also, since I came out, she has refused to allow any signs of femininity in me, or even merely associations with anything female.  So for her to call me her Sharon is a double compliment, and two big steps for her. She’s not only starting to see me as her rock again, despite my “changes”, but she’s also–whether she realizes it or not–beginning to acknowledge some “female” associations with me.

Yes, they are small steps, but they’re big small steps. 🙂

Thank you, my loving Parent, for continuing to soften her heart toward me. You are an amazing Parent!

-Dianna Rose

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