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Archive for November, 2009

God’s Promise

God keeps his promises.  I saw that this week.  He promised He would see me through this tough time, would help ease my wife’s mind about me.  He kicked me in the ass with his reminder that He keeps his word. Hard.

I woke the other day feeling bad about my crossdressing, because I haven’t had a chance to go all girl for some time and I was despairing because I couldn’t see when I’d get another chance any time soon.  And I was going through some serious dress withdrawal. Lack-of-dress stress, as it were. 🙂

All week long, God has been telling me to trust Him, to give my desires to Him and let Him take care of me.  Daily bible verses and readings, posts from friends on Facebook and other places…so many were saying the same thing. And among these was one reading in particular.  It might as well have been in capital letters written on a brick to my head: “I KEEP MY PROMISES”. And all week long I tried. I really did, but just couldn’t give up my frustration.

In the middle of my despair, while grouching to my wife–who, you recall, is so against my crossdressing, so afraid of it, she can barely even acknowledge it–said to me, with complete compassion and love, “Do you want me to take the kids out to lunch so you can have some time to yourself?”  This was on Thanksgiving morning, with the turkey already in the oven and the squash already peeled. With a big dinner coming, she offered to take the kids out to lunch, for me. And in the middle of her own crises, too.

I was floored.  Floored by her offer, when I know how much she hates this thing about me, hates to imagine me “that way” but can’t look at me any more without thinking it, hates to acknowledge it at all.  This is the woman who offered to take the kids out of the house for an hour or so, just so I can have some time to myself.

And floored by God’s hammer to my head. This was God working in her heart, people. This was God keeping his promise, at the same time reminding me that I must trust Him in all things, at all times. This was His admonishment to and forgiveness of me for failing to put my entire faith in Him.

It is hard for us to give up all control. So hard that we rarely can do it. God understands this. He knows how weak we are. He knows we will often fail. Yet He forgives us, gives us another chance to try.  Will we fail again?  Probably.  Will He forgive us for failing?  Absolutely!  Does He help us, give us strength, courage, wisdom, and the kicks in the ass we need to keep trying? You bet He does! Sometimes we can’t see it, can’t feel Him, but He is still there, still holding us, still giving us what we need. Still opening our eyes…even if He sometimes has to use a prybar.

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us–whatever we ask–we know that we have what we asked of him.  1 John 5 : 14-15

Don’t ever forget His promises to you. You can find them all easily…they’re in a Good Book. 🙂

May He bless and keep you this Christmas season, my friends!

-Dianna

ps…For what it’s worth, I didn’t take her up on the offer. It was enough that she made it–and repeated it again today. She is such an amazing woman, and He is such an amazing God, and I don’t deserve either one of them. I still don’t know when I’ll have some full “she time” next, but you know what? I can wait. He has promised I will have it. I believe Him.

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I’m back, for the moment

Well I’m back, for a while anyway.  Still a long, long way to go, and still in need of your thoughts, encouragement and prayers, but it’s not as mind-numbingly bad as I thought it was going to be. Still pretty bad right now, but I find I am surviving.

My wife is still very much afraid of what I am, so much so that the thought of me meeting face-to-face with other crossdressers is unbearable to her and she has made me promise not to seek out others.  She’s afraid I might get a taste of it that I like, and want to do it more.  Problem is, I already want that, but that’s something I can’t tell her right now without sending her spiraling back toward the edge. So I promised.

She did say that once she has gotten her head around things (and remember, she’s going through her own crisis right now, separate from me, so that could be a while), she would allow me to go back on the forums and such.  I’m sort of jumping the gun a little, because I find that I’m really needing to express myself.  I also feel–strongly–that God wants me here, and the longer I stay away, the stronger this feeling gets.

I agreed that I don’t need the face-to-face time, but I have to say I sure do want it.  No, the world won’t end if I never get to a SISTERS of Manchester get-together, but it sure would be a better world if I could.  I want the acceptance that only a group like that can give, more so because I can’t get any acceptance at all from my wife. I remain hopeful that at some point in the future she will be comfortable enough with me that she will change her mind about this, but it is something over which I have zero control, so I must leave it in God’s hands.

She can cope with me if I assure her that things can stay as they were–which essentially means I get a few moments here and there to wear something girly…not nearly enough time.  The whole reason I fell apart (leading to my telling her about me at a time I knew she wasn’t ready to hear it*, thus further leading to my current unhappy circumstances) was because I needed more than I had.

So now I have essentially exactly what I had before, with the added bonus that my wife can’t see me as her husband/best friend any more, refuses to make love with me until and unless she can see me as all masculine (with a further added bonus that she needs me now to be even more manly than I was…which I never overly was to begin with, so I have my doubts that it’s even possible for me).  So, several giant steps backward, I think.

But throughout all this, I still believe God made me what I am, He brought me to this day and in this life, and He will eventually make this all right.  It’s hard waiting for Him, hard trusting Him, hard to believe there is any hope that I’ll end up where I want to, but once in a while I get a flash of Light, and find my faith restored.  It doesn’t last forever, but it’s there, and it’s what will get me through this difficult time if anything will.

Yesterday and today, in particular, He sent messages through various sources that He keeps His promises, that I need to wait for Him, that I need to give up MY wants so that He can give me what I need. Sometimes I can do this.  Other times I despair.  It’s a real freakin’ roller-coaster ride, and I’m getting sick to my stomach. er…soul. I hate roller-coasters.

*she wasn’t ready to hear it because she’s in the middle of her own crisis, as I said, but she has needed me to accept some things about her that I would never have thought were part of her.  I have accepted, from the start, even though some of that acceptance has brought me pain.  Part of her coping with this is to share with me many of the details of what she’s going through,some of which hurt me badly.  She acknowledges this fact, but she complains that she has no one else she can talk to about it, she’s sorry she’s hurting me, but she needs to be able to express herself around this.

…all the while denying me the freedom to express myself. She has acknowledged the fact that I have accepted things about her that I should never have had to, but in the same breath she tells me she can’t accept the things about me.  This is big-time painful, because it means (to my mind, anyway) that I clearly love her more than she loves me.  I know that’s unfair–some people are just not equipped to deal with some things–but it’s how I feel. Why was I made more open than she?

Anyway, I didn’t mean to bring you down.  Just wanted to let you know what’s been going on.  I know God loves me, wants the best for me, holds me in His arms.  If I can still recognize those facts even in the midst of my pain and suffering, then I know He has grown my faith incredibly.  There was a time I would have rejected Him utterly in the same circumstances.

So Praise God even in the midst of your pain!  This was another of His messages to me these past few days.  I didn’t think I could the first time I heard it, but I see now how it can be.  You just gotta do it!  🙂

Lord, I know You allow me to suffer so that I will grow in You.  If this is what You desire, then I will suffer for You.  Your son did no less.  Give me the strength to endure, the courage to face, the wisdom to discern, the love to survive. You are All, and for You I shout praise even from the heat of the fire.  For this suffering I give you thanks.  For an end to it soon I ask, realizing that all things bend to Your timing, not mine. In Jesus’ name I pray.

-Dianna

oh, here’s something interesting, too…during one of her “I need you to reassure me” phases, she wanted to know if I think of myself as “she”…but in the same sentence she let it be known that this would be really, really disturbing to her. I hate the “please reassure me” times, because I end up having to lie to her to keep her from freaking out even more than she is.  I can’t imagine her reaction if she ever discovered the name I use to sign these posts, log in to crossdressers.com, receive email with. God, don’t let her find out until and unless she can cope with it!

-Annie

pps, Thank you sooo much for your encouragement and support during my hard time.  It means more to me than I can put into words.  Know that I thank God for you. If I may be allowed to give Dianna free rein to speak her mind, I truly love you and am happy you are my friends. Thank you! -D

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This post may stay up here for a while.  If you still see it after a long time–could be weeks, could be months…could be forever–it means things are going badly, or have gone completely sour.  I need your prayers now more than ever, and my wife needs them more than I.

My wife and I had a pretty big breakdown the other day.  Part of it was fed by my refusal to continue to honor her request that I lie to her, and then swear to God I wasn’t lying to her.  I’m sorry, love-of-my-life, that I could no longer do that…it was tearing me apart, and I broke, and now we’re paying the price for my lack of strength and perseverance…for my weakness.

The upshot of our talk (hah, that’s a word!) is that she CAN NOT and WILL NEVER accept what I am.  It doesn’t fit into her mind in any way, shape, or form.  It frightens her, it angers her, it embarrasses her…in short, there is, in her mind, NO POSITIVE ASPECT of my crossdressing—only negative ones, and badly negative ones at that.  At one point—and it sounds  only slightly worse out of context than it was, but it still upset me immensely—she spoke of “my issue” (her word) in the same breath as pedophiles and Nazis.

How much did that hurt me?  Try to imagine.

We are headed for divorce, and it’s tearing us apart.  She is heading for a breakdown, because she can no longer see me as what I was.  I turn her off now…no sex in my future, at all. Worse, I frighten her.  When she looks at me she feels hate for what I did to her, and fear, and despair.

We have no support system..no family or friends we can talk to, no one we can turn to.  For the entire course of our lives together, she relied on me to be her stability, her rock, her reassurance—in short, her life. It was partly my fault, because I allowed her to lean on me for everything.  Now I pulled that out from under her, and she is falling.  She has no hope that we can stay together, no hope that she can survive without me, no hope that she can keep the house or the car or care for the kids…no hope, period.

I have no hope, either.

During our discussion (there’s another word!), she asked that I not do anything until she can get her head wrapped around this problem.  That means no clothes, no forums, no group contact…nothing.  I can see her motivation for this…she needs to know I can do this for her now or she will see it as a broken trust, which will end everything in an instant.  I promised her I can do that, until she can get her head together.

But I don’t know if I can.  If it takes too long—and she cannot give me any deadlines—then I will not be able to hold on.

Wearing clothes was a relaxer for me.  It helped me get through the stressful times.  Talking on the forums or facebook or this blog helped me keep it together.  Now that is gone, after this last post, at least for a while.  Now I have the most stress I’ve ever felt in my life, and no outlet for it, and it’s literally killing me inside.  I can feel the years of my life dropping away.  I will honor her request, because I need to focus on trying to save my marriage if I can, but the cost is just too high.

Before she asked me to do this, she had made two small concessions…one, that I can wear panties or whatever under my clothes, as long as she never needs to be around it or know about it (which essentially means at work only), and two, that–eventually, when she is ready—she will allow me one weekend a month out on a Saturday night with the local SISTERS group.  But until she can get her head back into a good place, I am to forego doing anything at all.

I don’t know if I can keep going. I have no strength left to even pray.

So I ask you, do not forget me.  Pray for me, and for my wife. Pray for my job and my kids and my life and hers, because I am truly out of energy.  I have absolutely nothing left, for her or for me.  I can hold on no longer, not even to my God.  If He lets me go, I am utterly lost.  If I am to even take care of my kids or do my job, He must move me like a puppet on a string, because I literally can barely lift my own fingers.

So pray, and keep on praying until you hear back from me, or until you also just can’t keep praying for me any more.  If it takes that long, I am probably not coming back anyway.

Jesus, I know you hear my words long after everyone else has forgotten me.  I send up this last prayer because I have nowhere else to turn, and no strength left to pray.  If you will, keep us in Your arms, and shine Your light on us, and make Yourself known to us, because we can no longer feel Your presence. Protect us from all forms of harm, because I can no longer protect myself, let alone my family. Hold us up, because if You do not, we will drown.  I pray to our Heavenly Father in Your name, Jesus.

To my loyal friends here, and those who follow this blog, I am sorry.  I know I appear to be abandoning you.  Believe me when I say I love you all and will truly feel the lack of your presence in my life.  With a little of God’s grace, I will one day be back here.  Until then, please pray until you just can’t pray any longer.

Signing my real initial, because you deserve at least that much of me,

-T

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My wife is confused about why I wear women’s clothes. She doesn’t get the reasons I do it.  And if she is confused by it, there are probably a whole bunch of non-crossdressers out there who don’t get it either.

There are many, many aspects to crossdressing. For me, these boil down (essentially, anyway) to two major factors: feel, and feeling.

What’s the difference? (I hear some of you asking.) It’s this:  For certain items of clothing, I like the way they feel. Smooth nylon panties feel great next to my skin, and I like the way they feel under my fingers. Pantyhose and tights hug the legs…who doesn’t like to be hugged all day? 🙂  Satin anything feels great next to the skin.  Even the feel of a bra around my chest and back is comfortable to me. The swish of a skirt around my legs is heaven!

Sometimes, it’s just a matter of a feel that isn’t usually there otherwise…a different feel than I’m used to, in other words. The feel of lipstick on my lips (well, where else, Dianna? Duh!) is such a sensation—it isn’t necessarily exciting on its own, but because it reminds me that I’m wearing lipstick, it feels good.  The push and pull of my leg muscles in a pair of heels is also a sensation—particularly my 4-inch heels that I’m still getting used to! 🙂

But in addition to the way some clothes feel, there is the feeling I get while wearing them. Wearing a dress not only feels good to me, but also makes me relaxed, comfortable in my skin and my head, and confident. The feeling of being feminine does this to me. Knowing I’m wearing lipstick, even if I couldn’t feel it, gives me a good feeling.

The feel of certain clothes is definitely arousing—it’s a crude point, but one that must be mentioned, if we are to help non-crossdressers to understand why we dress. Satins and silks just turn me on sometimes…tell me they don’t turn you on as well.  Liar. 🙂  But this is really only a small, small part of why I do this.  I enjoy feeling feminine, plain and simple.  The feel is a bonus…the feeling is all.

My wife gets the whole “sensations” thing.  She can wrap her head around the physical aspect of what I do.  She gets that some things just feel good.  She doesn’t like it very much—not that she says outright, but her actions and words speak volumes nonetheless—but at least she “gets” that.

She does not get the feelings I have. Not that I’ve talked to her about them, because she’s still not anywhere near where she needs to be in her head to bring the topic up (and I’ve said I never will).  But I know her–21 years married and I had better!—and I know she just can’t accept or understand that sometimes (okay, usually!) I just like to feel feminine. I like to talk clothes, to call someone “sweetie” or “dear”, to voice my appreciation of someone else’s looks or words without them thinking I have an ulterior motive. And I love shopping for clothes.  In short, I just like feeling “girly” sometimes.

I scared her the other day–actually, the word she used was “frightened”.  She made one of her few and tiny forays into actually attempting to understand me—though “understanding” is not really what she’s after during these forays…she wants reassuring instead.  That’s another whole post. 🙂

She asked me, if we lived a couple hundred years ago, when men wore satin shirts and tights, would that have been enough for me?  Or, would I still have needed to wear a gown sometimes?  I asked her if she was really sure she wanted to know the answer, and she immediately backed off.  “Okay, now you’re frightening me,” she said.  So she gets “feel”, but “feeling” apparently frightens her.  For those of you who haven’t guessed, yes, I would have wanted to wear a gown.  Heck, I want to wear one now!) 🙂

Don’t get me wrong…I’m one of the loudest male shouters at our weekly football get-togethers. (Well, when the Patriots are playing, anyway.) I also enjoy solving the problems of home improvement (sometimes even successfully!), and love using my power tools.  But sometimes I just want to curl up on the couch with my legs under me and a cup of herb tea in my hand, reading a good book. My ideal date would be to go shopping with my wife…not just for her. What a great feeling that would be!

But I also love the feel of my new frilly red panties. 🙂

-Dianna Rose

p.s. – I just got around to adding a blogroll, over there on the right near the top of this page, with some links. I encourage you check them out and read what other girls/tgirls/gurls/crossdressers/etc. are saying! 🙂

-Annie

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Trust God to Lead

I was reading a post today on another site, where the poster—I’ll call her “Tracy”–was ready to quit crossdressing. She was unhappy with her looks, discouraged about ever being able to go out with others like her, and feeling generally down about her crossdressing. It wasn’t a long post, but it was saturated with despair, until her last line, which essentially asked for advice to break out of the down feelings. The mere fact that she was looking for a reason to keep going tells me she wasn’t too far gone.

It’s difficult for many crossdressers, especially male-to-female CDs. It is actually pretty easy for a woman to pass as a man—easier, in many cases, than for a man to pass as a woman. I’m in the former category. I will never be beautiful, never look like a woman, no matter how skillfully the makeup is applied. I will probably never be considered even pretty. I have a masculine face, plain and simple. I would love to be able to pass as a woman, but I have doubts that I ever will. This was the gist of Tracy’s post, and the source of her despair.

But I love doing it. I can never stop, and I don’t want to. I love the feel of the clothes, and the feeling I get wearing them. I love playing with makeup, even if the results would—sometimes—be enough to frighten small children. I love being able to express myself as Dianna, and in many ways I’m far better at it than I ever was under my birth identity. (For example, this blog averages more hits per day than my “boy” blog ever got in a week, which means I must be doing something far more right than I did before.)

Yes, I sometimes get discouraged that I’ll never look pretty, but if I stop thinking about my outward appearance and just concentrate how I feel, I’m astounded at how pretty I am inside. And guess what, in this particular community, the vast majority of people don’t care what you look like. We don’t give two hoots—not even one—about your outward appearance. Oh, sure, we admire your outfits, your figure, your poise and confidence especially, and yes, sometimes your makeup, but in the end we just love you for who you are, period.

Focus on the things about crossdressing that you enjoy, and don’t be discouraged if there are parts you wish could be better. If you’re unsure about ever getting your makeup right, don’t give up, just have fun with it. I love just putting on lipstick. It looks terrible on my unshaven face, but I still love wearing it. And here’s something to consider…professional makeup artists are usually very good at what they do. Seek out a CD transformation service, and just see what they can do for you. Or, if you can get over your nervousness, ask for advice at the makeup counter of your favorite store in the mall. You might be surprised. This is one of my eventual goals, but I’m not nearly ready to make that plunge. Small steps are required before large leaps can be made. Remember your first time walking in heels? You didn’t run, you minced. 🙂 You probably looked like a guy trying to walk in heels. 🙂

Always remember that, not matter how hopeless things seem—in any situation, not just crossdressing—YOU are not a hopeless case. You may not be able to feel any hope, but that’s because, like Tracy, you just can’t see how to get from where you are to where you want to be. You can’t see the road ahead, to know where to place your next step. Like Tracy, you may feel like just stopping where you are, or going back.

But neither is the choice you should make. God wants us to move forward, always. He knows precisely where He wants us to end up, and He knows the road on which we must travel. There will be times when we can’t see the road. We may even stumble…but that’s because we’re trying to be in control. God knows the road. He knows where we should place our next step. So let Him have control. Let Him lead us…let Him carry us, if we can’t walk any more. Would you make your child walk if she was exhausted, or hurt, or just couldn’t walk any more? No, you’d carry her, and be happy to do it.

The point where we feel like giving up is the point where we must give it all back to God. The point where we must give Him all control over our road. The point where we let Him carry us. It’s a frightening feeling, giving up any control we might have—or try to have—but as soon as we do, we see that God is a much better driver than we ever could be. 🙂

In His hands, always,

-Dianna

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Happy Crossdresser Day!

Today, the second Friday in November , is International Crossdresser’s Day, 2009! Show your support for and/or love of crossdressing by wearing a rubber band on your left wrist. No, color doesn’t matter, just put one on and get out into the world to see who else is wearing one!

God bless you all!

-Annie

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A Day in a Dress

Today is a big day for me, because for the first time *in my life* I am entirely, 100%, “dressed”. Today, for the first time ever, I am completely Dianna.

Now, don’t get me wrong..I am Dianna every day, but most days I am only Dianna on the inside. Those of you who have been following these posts know that I have to keep Dianna secret and hidden, because my wife is simply not able to accept her at this time in her life.

In the past, on very rare occasions, I have worn a dress, tights, bra and heels at the same time, but today I get to wear those things along with panties, earrings and makeup—and I own everything I’m wearing! Nothing borrowed, nothing sneaked, no guilt. Today I am–inside and outside–Dianna.

As I said, a pretty big day for me.

Okay, because some of you simply have to know, here’s what I’m wearing: my hot pink dress, pink nylon panties, berry-colored tights, and pink lacy bra. I’m feeling très femme today, let me tell you. I’m also wearing a really cute pair of strappy silver heels, dangly gold earrings (though they really hurt my ears so I have to take them off every once in a while), pink lipstick, shades of brown eye shadows and liner, and pink blush. In my hair (no wig yet) I have a pink plastic headband. 🙂

I am amazingly at peace today. I really do think that crossdressing—for me at least—is therapeutic. I’m very comfortable in a dress, I’m quickly getting used to walking in heels, and I’m just loving life today. Thank you God for this day which you have made!

I hope each of you is enjoying your day just as much, and if not, I hope you get a chance to soon!

-Dianna Rose



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